Imagine a sitcom in which the main character ends up in the same ridiculous situation every ten minutes. In a panic, I turn the apartment over, looking for the phone, highlighting the dark corners... with the flashlight of the same phone. The secondary storylines are no less dramatic: the search for the keys that were hanging in the lock from the inside all this time, and freezing in the middle of the room with the question “Why did I come here?” But the series has a consistently high rating and the best actress is me.

Two personalities miraculously coexist within me: one pats my head, brings me cocoa and agrees to any adventure, the second looks with a malicious smile and whispers: “Well, I warned you.” The percentage varies depending on the weather, the phase of the moon, and how much my strength is being tested today. The angelic part loves all of humanity, and the second keeps a detailed register of other people's mistakes. Trying to figure out which side is the main one today is dangerous for the psyche - it’s better to just agree and accept both.

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I am a walking natural anomaly with exquisite taste. The navigator convinces me to turn right, I confidently turn the steering wheel to the left, and we still haven’t figured out which of us is lost. At fitness I lift the wrong leg, on dates I confuse names, and at important meetings I can blurt out something that I absolutely shouldn’t have said. But there is a nuance: in my execution it looks so fashionable and confident that everyone around me thinks that this is how it was intended. I don't create problems - I turn them into a new trend.

Work motivation is extremely transparent: I wake up, get ready, go to the office, solve problems and meet deadlines - solely for the sake of that magical moment when I can open the refrigerator or the delivery menu. Career growth, recognition, certificates of commendation are nothing more than tinsel. The main KPI is the amount of delicious food on my plate. As soon as food supplies are depleted, work enthusiasm rapidly drops to zero.